Author: persis

Someone from my past that briefly reentered my orbit commented on my spontaneity in my 20’s. When trying to describe myself to someone new in my life I described “the most logical and responsible wild child”. As many of us probably do, I’ve been reflecting on the carefree potential of unburdened young adulthood and the contrast to midlife responsibilities and realities. I managed to dance my way through my 20’s on a lot of whimsy and avoid any real negative repercussions. To put it in sobering terms, to date, I have not been sexually assaulted*.

When trying to consider why some of my foolish endeavors and freely given trust didn’t end up in more common tragedies I have to consider that it was not because I was particularly cautious. While I think I may have been more cautious than some, I also put a tremendous amount of faith in the men that surrounded me. I think as I’ve grown and had more life experiences I’ve become far less trusting and more cautious, but back then I was surrounded by a group of guys, that in my experience were and remain, “good guys”. One could assume that was an intentional choice, but I think it’s far more nuanced than that. Some of it was just the company I found myself in through proximity, some of it was the interests and personality traits we likely shared. I still subscribe a good portion of it to sheer luck. 

When I reflect on my arguable lack of spontaneity now, in a desire to reclaim some of it, I have to consider both the internal, external, and environmental factors. I’ve grown less trusting after years of betrayal by those that had promised otherwise. As our world has changed, or my perspective has aged, I’ve become less confident in the goodness of humanity which was something I had in spades as a young adult. I’m less confident that there are more individuals that believe in community and the protection of others, than there are those that are ambivalent to their neighbors or outright malicious. I am also a protective mother of a little person and my risk-reward equation is greatly altered. Then there’s the logistics of adulting. There are cats to be fed and little people best served by routines and a good night’s sleep. There are residential schedules that don’t allow for flexibility.

Then back to the environmental factors. The people I surround myself with. I don’t have a “partner in crime”. I have far fewer friends and they all share the same burdens of adulting with careers, kids, spouses, and the host of obligations that were mostly eschewed in youth.

This brings me back to spontaneity and what precisely I’m seeking to recapture. I think to me it represents a bit more joy and whimsy. So maybe I’m less spontaneous now. I can’t jet off on a weekend or randomly go stay in a hotel, but I can certainly find ways to introduce more joy and whimsy into my everyday life. I choose the silly coffee mug or the pink dinner dishes. I buy the flowers that spark joy or the good champagne for a random Tuesday. It’s decorating for every trivial holiday and having dance parties in the kitchen. It’s twinkle lights, bright colors, sparkles, and balloons – just because. It’s choosing to be unabashedly child-like while still meeting the needs and demands of adulthood.

 *Over half of women have experienced sexual assault and 1 in 4 have experienced attempted or completed rape. Source: https://www.cdc.gov/sexual-violence/about/index.html

I’m calling this a reunion, not an anniversary. I feel like I’m revisiting myself more than celebrating the passing of time.

When I was going through the archives of the website I found a document that I had clearly written around the time I was shutting down the site, but I don’t think it was ever published.

Let me tell you a story about a girl. She was about 20 years old, and her boyfriend jokingly asked if he could post a picture of her online because she was wandering around the house in a towel. Her first thought was, ‘I can’t!’ and then a voice in her head that she would learn to love said, ‘But why can’t you?’.  With a simple dare to herself to push her own limits, her journey began. As she walked to work the next day, she was buoyed by the feeling that she had a secret, that she had dared do what most people will not. She felt alive and more comfortable in her own skin.

Fast forward to this girl at 24. She was devastated when her world was turned upside. Her work was her life, and she loved every minute of it, and it had been taken away from her. The days blend into each other as she fills out resumes and stares into the sunlit leaves of the tree behind her desk wondering how to pay her bills, if she’d have to leave the life she loves, and falling into deep despair. Her friends and a furry little cat with big green eyes that called the girl her own were the only things that kept her hanging on. Her ‘But why can’t you?’ voice had challenged her to push her own limits and now she was afraid of losing it all.

Fast forward to this girl at 28.  She weathered through unemployment and had a new appreciation for her job and security. She’s fallen in love and fallen out of love. She knows more than she did at 20, but less than she will tomorrow.  She’s learned to be accountable for her actions whether the camera is on or not. She’s learned to speak her mind even when it may be unpopular and she’s learned that sometimes the fight just isn’t worth fighting. She’s learned what’s important in her future, but she won’t compromise to get there.

Ah, the conviction at 28. I mean, she wasn’t entirely wrong. I’d continue to believe I was being uncompromising on what was important. Namely, starting a family. A strong desire to become a mother has remained steadfast with me, and that drove me to a variety of compromises in the end.

But back to the beginning… did sharing my life on the internet ever make me feel completely comfortable in my own skin, or more importantly, confident in myself? No. It was just a way to find external validation for things I wasn’t mature enough yet to recognize. It was a crutch. It worked, kind of, but never addressed the underlying issues.

And that period at 24. Ooof. That has some of the highest highs and lowest lows. Being laid off and then struggling to find work again when the ‘dot-com bubble burst’ has left indelible marks. I became far more risk averse financially when I finally got back in to tech. As a result I stayed way too long at a company simply for the security and was fucking miserable. I had little appetite to revisit wondering if I could maintain my life and so my descension in to hyper independence began.

And that vaguely poetic “in love and out love”… in that time period I met what I’ll call my first “forever love” and we were both too immature to figure it out. Despite the public front I put on at the time, and all my attempts at love since, never quite nailed it. I mean, obviously I didn’t then either.

Learning when to speak up and when to fight the fight… that one is a little complex. I learned some level of base maturity, but ultimately kept right on people pleasing. I avoided a whole lot of the fights that I should have been fighting because it would make things “easier”.

I did still learn accountability for my actions, a bit imperfectly but far better than I had.

I had one thing completely right back then… I know more today than I did then and less than I will tomorrow.